Sunday, May 27, 2012

361 Days

Does time ever seem unreal? It seems impossible that it's been almost a year since my dad passed away. It literally seems like yesterday that we were all hanging out at the house with Jake who'd just gotten home from serving an LDS mission in Mexico. I remember every feeling. I remember every smile. I remember every hug. It doesn't seem possible that all of those memories could still be so vivid after so much time passing.

But time has passed. So much has changed in a year. Luci was born. I'm almost done with my eighth year of teaching. Eli's been with OS and received countless promotions. He's started 3 more companies. We moved in with my mom. My mom's done another year as a tracker at the high school and went back to the gym to teach gymnastics. We've been on vacations and countless dates. Life goes on.

Life goes on. I think that's the key. People always ask how we're doing. People always ask how we deal. In all reality, we deal because we have to. Because life goes on. It doesn't mean that we don't think about Dad. I think about him every single day. I always think about what he would say when I'm doing something. I remember his smile when something funny happens. I talk to him and tell him everything that's going on.  Most of all though, I think about how disappointed he would be if we didn't deal.

I also know the knowledge that I possess, that death is not the end, keeps me going. A few months ago, I woke up crying. Eli rolled over in bed and asked what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. I felt relief and knew that everything would be okay because my dad told me it would be. I had a dream. I was walking in some store, turned a corner, and nearly ran into my dad. I was so taken aback. He looked amazing. He was happy.. I had a hard time speaking, but I remember asking him what he was doing there. He told me, "I just wanted you to know that everything is going to be okay." That was it. He smiled and I woke up.

So for now, I will keep in mind that Daddy told me everything will be okay. I'll keep telling Luci stories about Grandpa Budge. I'll keep teaching. Eli will keep working. We'll keep smiling and having fun. And another year will pass.